Darkness, hide my fear.

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modestmoon:

I wish I fucking mattered lol

So i thought i was going to hate my life immensely but then it went the complete opposite way i thought it would and now i have a girlfriend mind you i never thought id ever be dating her because she is not the kinda of girl i would want to haha but i fucking like her like i care for her sooo much and want her soo bad but at the same time i don’t at all yet for some reason when im not with her i want to text her alllll the time i mean ten minutes goes by and im like wtf why haven’t you texted me it feels like an eternity that literally happen a little bit ago i was chillin on here had gotten a text from her then replied and  swear it felt like a half an hour i look at me phone its been ten minutes i don’t know what wrong with me i keep telling myself calm down man but my mind keeps going like “if she cared shed have texted you by now” i think its partially because no matter what im doing i reply to her almost right away and i dont see why she cant do the same if she cared as much for me but the thing is i feel she may care for me more than i do her so it makes no sense fuuuuck i hate my brain but to be honest i think i would be so crazy like this if i wasint worried about her cheating or something because she has a bit of a history with her last boyfriend that she basically left for me -_- i hate myself hha but i cant seem to just calm the fuck down and i hate it i want to just enjoy doing what ever i am doing without her and not feel the fucking worry about what shes doing or why shes not texting me i hate it i almost wish i wasint in a relationship but i fucking like her so much, i mean i love her im not IN love with her but shes also my first girlfriend well i kinda dated three other girls but didn’t last more than a week each but i wish i could just calm down believe she cares for me that she want me no one else that shes “mine” and just enjoy whats going on but i cant i don’t know why it sucks im dumb and i hate what ive done and am doing to myself but shes also not done me wrong really yet so i don’t even fucking know and we started our relationship may 14 so its been awhile and this is seemingly all thats been going on with me oh and we have hung out i think actually every day since then man but when were together everything is great im not freaking im happy shes happy i calm her down if anything upsets her and yeah were great together she told me about her past relationships and told me so far im the only guy who has really treated her amazing like the way she should except foe my i guess clingyness anyway that’s whats going on with me..

oh also so i don seem tooo fucking stupid we did used to txt like tht non-stop to each other she used to do it more than me but slowly its been declining taking longer fr her to text back even now im being stupid and like why is she not texting back arrgg i dont care whatever ill prolly ruin the relationship ayway or end it thinking she doesn’t care for me or something stupid i hope i calm down

(Source: supremelyawesomejello, via sugarcoatme)

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